Tuesday. 1:00. Is there ever a point where a situation causes u such anxiety that for days or weeks it’s almost as if your able to push it out of your thoughts, forget it’s happening. This has been my coping mechanism for a few months now. Pretending issues don’t exist. It’s a thing that Im still working on but tomorrow is going to be huge. Gigantic.
Imagine your biggest phobia. Spiders. Heights. Now imagine choosing to be put in a box full of spiders willingly. Their in your ears, nostrils. Or walking on a thin plank of wood, higher than 5 Empire State Buildings, with no harness. Nothing. And having to stand there for a day. This is what going into school is like for me.
Nothing can quite explain what it’s like. First there’s just a moment of absolute panic. This has been a phobia that has had to be lived with for eight months and my brain manages to just go into panic without even thinking anything through. Then it almost feels like my heart sinks down to my toes. Like physically. It’s like being crushed with a unexplainable phobia of it. It’s impossible to think straight. It doesn’t make sense but it is so incredibley real to me.
There’s a way of looking at it that if my friend was in there, burning alive,Id go in. No second thoughts. So why is it that when there’s time to think and overthink it forms this petrifying almost separation. It’s as if Im clean of it and willingly letting it back into my life appears like absolute madness.
OCD is a really misinterpreted illness – It’s a form of anxiety. Being open about my OCD terrifies me.
There are probably not enough breathing exercises that exist to get my thoughts away from tomorrow. Instead, Im reverting back to just pretending that it doesn’t phase me and isn’t a big deal. It’s sort of helping.
It’s almost like that thought of me going into somewhere that Ive spent nearly a year completely avoiding almost seems to ridiculous and unrealistic to think about. My heads got used to blocking it out.
So tomorrow, Im going to school. Just for like half an hour. It’s terrifying.
Thee isn’t a lot more to say other than this is purely one of tghe most scary things that Ill ever expose myself to. Maybe this could inspire others to be brave.