For me, January’s usually one of those months that drags on and on and I can’t wait to see the back of it. But for a reason that hasn’t happened this year. Is it just me who swears New Years was like, yesterday??
So, no, January’s not quite over. Well there’s over a week left to be honest but I really felt like sitting down and chatting about my January, a sort of ‘Life Update’ thing I guess. January has been a big month for me and that’s probably why it’s gone so quickly. Anyway I’m just going to get started, and please let me know how your January went in the comments!
Anxiety and OCD: Working on Recovery around the holidays can be tricky. Everybody’s super relaxed and gets a break, but really, you don’t get a break from your disorder or mental illness. This sounds super selfish and it kind of is, but I would never step in during the holidays and say, listen I know you’re having a really well deserved break but what about me? Because our mental illness also affects our family,so they deserve a break from it. So for me, if I’m being brutally honest my anxiety and OCD has got a bit worse. It’s rubbish to have to put that, but it’s true. Recently I’ve started to get back into the swing of things again, so that’s good. I’ve struggled a lot with my OCD and hand washing, but that’s definitely got better again recently. There’s not much to put for this on because there’s not really a reason it’s been a bit worse, it just was. But that’s going to happen and it’s ok.
My Eating: My anxiety and eating disorder go hand in hand. They’re like psychologically connected twins I swear 😂 If ones bad, the other is too. Usually, my anxiety and OCD gets bad, which impacts my eating. So, you’ve guessed it, it’s not been ideal. But it has been nowhere near a big relapse (I wouldn’t even call it a relapse, just a tough few weeks). I’ve just been a little bit more self-conscious about my weight every day. Recovery is going to cause weight gain, and it’s really difficult to accept that. I’m just trying to remind myself, that if I go back to starving my body, this Recovery and life I’ve worked my butt off for will just go to waste all over again. (This but may be TMI or even triggering so skip to the next bit if your not into that stuff!) I’ve binged and tried to make myself vomit a few times this month (Never successfully which I, really thankful for now). I’ve also worked out with the goal of losing weight and decreasing calorie intake, which is never good. Ive stopped sticking to a meal plan a few times, and only eaten when I’m hungry, because eating when I’m not hungry is really triggering for me. So my Eating not been great, but I went food shopping today and I’m going to try and pick it back up again.
Schooling: So there are no drastic changes here, but for me there are huge achievements!! I’m still having maths etc. Outside of my house by a tutor, but I’ve also started studying psychology at home on my own. This is a huge step for me because, (no idea if I’ve mentioned this before) but I get really obsessive over my work, having to check over and over, but so far that hasn’t happened so that is a brilliant thing! I’ve also started getting the bus to town and gaining back a bit of independence. It’s barely caused me any anxiety (accept the time I got on the wrong bus 😂), and it gives me tons to do with otherwise empty days, like going into town and studying in Costa.
Life: Outside of all things mental illness based, I’ve been asked to babysit for a girl who I volunteer with at a youth club which is great because I’m skint af, and I love looking after children (sounds creepy, but it’s not😂). I went to a wedding reception and got ”scouted” (putting two inverted commas because it totally wasn’t but) by the photographer to go to her studio and get photos/headshots taken which for somebody as self conscious as me can take a while to sink in (It’s been a month), but I was so happy I could have cried. She was so complimentary and it gave me practically non-existent self esteem a big boost! I’ve started to make a decision on going back to school (Probably speaking way to soon here 😂), which is really starting to clear my head a bit and take away a lot of anxiety. I discovered that putting a Teaspoon of water in a jug in the microwave and mixing it with two (massive) tablespoons of hot chocolate powder tastes unreal (and doesn’t require a supermarket trip). I’ve found that the waiter at my local coffee shop remembers my order (Decaf Vanilla Latte with Almond Milk) so now I can ask for ‘my regular’ which makes me feel way more independent than I am. That January is a lot colder than December. A lot lot lot lot colder than December. Having too many comfy clothes is not actually a thing and that even when you put your authentic Calvin Klein top on Depop nobody’s going to want to buy it because everybody’s living in blankets and coats (and your secretly relieved).
So that’s my January!! Sorry for this slightly random post but I’ve not posted in awhile so – Hope everybody’s week has been good xx