I want to say and warn people that this post could be triggering. Please don’t read any further if you will be triggered by any of this. There is talk of relapse and anorexic behaviour. Stay safe.
Jesus I hoped I’d never write this blog. I’ve been sat here trying to think up a cosy and positive blog, but it is difficult when you’ve been crying for the last week, ordering laxatives and being threatened with hospital. Here we go, you’re probably thinking, another one of those posts where the page is full of little snags for sympathy and guilt ridden sentences, twisting your arm to like the post when you aren’t really sure why. But really, how can I sit here, briefly talk about the fact that I’m worse than I’ve ever been, and carry on with another usual and basic blog.
Statistics show that the rate of relapse in patients recovering from anorexia nervosa can range from 10 to 65 percent. I am in that percentage even though I prayed I never would be. I can’t quite explain how hopeless you seem, when the thought that you’ve relapsed hits you. I denied it for at least a month, but bad days slowly morphed into bad weeks. The thought processes that go through your head shoot, like little pins, yelling that you’ve failed. Again. You go through a phase of ignoring what you really know, convinced that you will ping back into a full recovery within the next day. The truth is, and that truth is gnawing at the back of your head, that you have to start again. After all this, you get thrown back to that line you never thought you’d see again. But it is different this time. Last time you were here, you were convinced you’d hit a full recovery within a week, throwing all your anxiety into this race. This time, you know a lot more. This time, you can’t find the will to put one foot in front of the other, because, well, where did that get you last time?
So, I have relapsed. The one thing I swore would never happen, has happened. I’m not entirely sure what happens now, though. Do I start all over again? Or will I find the strength within a few days.
Relapse happens. Even when recovery appears to be the best it has ever been, it happens. And it has happened when I was certain I was on a huge upwards curve, and was no longer struggling with the constant anorexia. It happens, but I suppose, that if you are after recovery, you have to be prepared to relapse,
Stay safe and strong.