I think, I’ve been missing a really important thing. Particularly over the past few months, there’s been this huge downfall in recovering, eating disorder signs and obsessive behaviour. I got to a point in this unstable situation where I had no real, well, purpose. I withdrew from social events, then felt upset and lonely, everyone, therapists and doctors were talking in hushed voices about inpatient and hospital, one day I was getting ready for the referral, the next I was barely able to focus on the thought of air passing through each cell without having a full blown panic attack. People kept asking, what about your future, think of your future, the word ‘future’ spinning and crashing through every conscious thought. But I would sit and sort of laugh. Future. I could barely think past the next day, let alone start planning every season up until graduation. And even if i tried, I was undoubtedly always faced with the empty and cold truth: What if it’s always like this? The thought of a future that consists of obsessive rituals, calorie counting and constant tearful eyes, well, doesn’t really seem like a future, seems like a sentence to life imprisoment.
With dreams is *cheese alert* a little bit of hope. Though it isn’t huge, and can take a bit of building up, it offers that finish line, past the dietitian appoints. If it’s one or one hundred. Having that little bit of string to cling onto when life pulls the carpet from underneath your feet, really has a huge difference.
Another bundle of dreams:
- To be able to attend college and achieve A levels
- To run in a charity race
- To be an inspiration or role model to another.
- Witness a spectacle of nature.
- Gain enough knowledge to set alight the world
- Find the honesty
- Learn the lessons life brings
- A snowy Christmas
- Change a life
- To live in the constant scent of cinnamon and clove
- Build a really cool den
- Try Sushi
- Exceed expectations
- Dance again
- Wear a bikini with confidence
- Find treasure
Always, stay safe and strong