‘Whats it like to recover?’

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What’s it like to recover? Beautiful, heartbreaking, soul destroying. It can be a mixture if everything all rolled up together, spinning so fast you can’t distinguish good days. It is yelling at your reflection because you’re bloated, breaking locks to find soap, searching your entire house for scales, crying at your dinner, using bleach as an antibacterial because all your hand soap was taken away. It is sitting in therapy and trying to understand why you should ever eat again, it is having blood taken from every vein, seeing your heart rate on an ECG, having to step onto scales backwards. It is hiding food in drawers, throwing away countless dinners, avoiding seeing friends because you’ve gained weight, having a panic attack because you’re told you’re finishing your lunch or never leaving the table, fasting, binging, shoving your first to the back of your throats and gagging at the sight…

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