If there’s one thing that I seek more than anything in the world it is validation. Validation for literally everything. Whether that’s validation if my maths exam result is ‘good enough’, if my eating disorder is ‘bad enough’. I crave validation. Its the goal in literally everything I do. Validation from friends, family, people, everyone.
Today’s validation searches. 1) Typing up the criteria for being admitted to inpatient half an hour after getting up. I know it’s hell, and I know it’s messed up, but inpatient is the validation that so many people crave – it’s not just me. 2) Texting my aunt to check she still likes me. 3) Re-reading my maths studying to be sure nothing’s not perfect. 4) Spending an hour taking photos of mi outfit because I can’t see if it looks good. Bad. I can’t see what I look like. 5) Weighing the remains of mi breakfast to see how much I ate.
Is it crazy. To need validation for being poorly. Maybe it’s because to get the help you are aware you desperately need, you need to be so so ill. So I have to get worse to get help? Don’t I?