Hello petals. I hope everybody is doing ok and I’m aware I’ve not been the most active with social media lately but everything has been pretty crazy. A few weeks ago I got my GCSE results and I was amazed. Despite my OCD making studying a near impossible task and having to perform compulsions throughout the exam I achieved an equivalent to an A* for maths, a B for Chem and managed to somehow get an A for every other exam! I was pretty sure I had failed and was hoping to get a pass at most so that was a real shock!
This Tuesday I started Sixth Form. I was super anxious, especially because my OCD had been really severe and I was terrified of it getting worse because of such a scary change. My main anxiety was about food to be honest because my brain likes to remind me how long I managed without food at school and how I managed fine for those years. It is also really simple for my anorexia to persuade me to skip a meal when I haven’t got people constantly checking that I am eating and following my meal plan. I thought I would review each day of this past week so you can see the reality of what it was like for me. I know this time of year can be especially scary when you are having to deal with mental health problems so I hope this can show that despite everything.
Tuesday. This was a half day so I wasn’t having to worry about lunch too much as we left at 1pm. I had a lot of anxiety when we got to the school but I was also excited to see people. When I got started with the day my mind was too occupied to be reminding me of all the anxieties which was a really nice change. I actually left that day feeling pretty reassured.
Wednesday. This was when reality hit a little. I had a small anxiety attack at break but it was manageable and I was able to deal with it by myself. I actually had a coffee from the café which was crazy scary because it was spontaneous and I drank from a school mug! I also managed to eat lunch thanks to somebody who I’m not going to name but I genuinely wouldn’t have eaten that day without his kindness and amazing encouragement. I got home and had that horrible mix of anxiety and sadness because I was convincing myself nobody liked me. This is my fear that I have to deal with everyday and I can never tell whether I’m being paranoid or whether I really am annoying and nobody likes me.
Thursday. A slightly better day. I managed lunch again with a close friend and didn’t hide away at break or lunch. I chatted to a load of people and even though I’m still convinced nobody likes me, it is something I wouldn’t have been able to achieve last year. I had CAMHS so left at 1.30pm which made the day more manageable. I actually had a good therapy sesh and my psychologist was so proud of me and reminded me how far I’ve come.
Friday. My OCD decided to be a real bitch today and I was not able to focus well because it kept interrupting my thoughts. I had some lovely chats with a few people, however, about silly things like time turners and bus times that brightened my day. Lunch was scary again because anorexia told me that I didn’t deserve to eat but I managed to get to my locker and sit with some lovely people and ate some of my lunch. After this I had another anxiety attack. It was really manageable and didn’t freak me out too much but I felt lonely af while I sat there trying to calm myself. Last period I was stressed and apparently it was noticeable because my teacher called me back to check that I was ok. I got all teary but I think I was just stressed after a pretty hectic week so managed to keep it together.
So I managed to eat and so far I haven’t had a severe anxiety attack. I’ve managed study and not felt terrified of talking to people. I know that it is probably going to be a mix of everything and I’ve accepted that I’m going to have shit days. But I also hope there will be some better days.
All the best.