2017 / It wasn’t all bad

You will probably hear the phrase ‘I can’t belive 2017 is almost over’ at least eighty times over the next few weeks, so I’m not going to dwell, but the thought of 2018 is actually sort of terrifying? Wasn’t January like, five days ago? I actually like the way the prospect of a fresh, clean…

Why didn’t anybody stop you?

‘Why didn’t anybody stop you?’  ‘Nobody noticed.’ I get really fucking upset when I think about this now, with a healthier mind. Throw myself a little pity party – banners blaring ‘How didn’t anybody see I was dying?’ ‘You all suck’. I look at pictures of me from three years ago and just want to…

The Best Anorexic 

Patients share a fake, brittle, laugh, frowning with anxiety over having been potentially ‘out-disordered’.  Finding the right way to explain the ‘Battle of the Anorexics’ is, in itself, a battle. The desire to be the ‘sickest’, to be the worst, for a healthy mind probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The absolute necessity…

Caffeinated thoughts #1

You may, or may not, recall me speaking about starting this little series quite a while ago. Truth be told, it got lost in a storm of half finished attempted blog posts that have managed to pile up in my drafts. But with the temperature dropping and the tint of festivity to the air, I…

The Cafe Edit – Chia

If you follow me via pretty much any social media platform, you will be aware that I’ve recently discovered an adorable, cosy little cafe named ‘Chia’. It is nestled within the town centre of Hitchin, and if you weren’t looking for it, you’d probably miss it. I don’t quite know where to start with the…

Study days.

Early mornings help. Not stupid early, but not lying in bed scrolling through a hundred tweets and putting off actually leaving my safe cosy nest of a duvet. Anywhere between 7 and 8 am usually works well with my internal clock. I always, always make my bed now. It’s the smallest little task and it’s…

The questions everyone seems to want answered.

No numbers are mentioned on here. I am aware that so many people ask about this but it is a topic I feel very strongly about regarding with discretion as it can be so triggering for myself and others.  Hello my loves. i hope this week has been ok for everyone so far. So far…

The people who unintentionally save my life everyday #2

So a while back I did a post very similar to this. It was very mushy and all that but it gave me an opportunity to really be honest and vocalise my gratitude towards a few particular people. The internet is a very, very weird place. Yes, we all sat through those assemblies. ‘Never talk…

Changing therapists (say whaaaa)

A few months back the decision was made that I would be having an assessment by a psychotherapist. Now for those of you unfamiliar with my personality, me and change are not the best of friends. I am also a huge fan of my CBT therapist. I’ve been seeing her for about 18 months, so…

It was all lies.

One more. Two less. A little further, A little lower. A bit stronger, a bit smaller. Fading  Down four. Decrease 60. Up by an hour. Patience please. Don’t give up. Perfection awaits you. Don’t you want it? No Yes. Five less. Ten. Maybe 20? How about 50? Let me out Net. 500. Tomorrow will be…

How I deal with the unavoidable ‘Food Guilt’.

It’s anorexias speciality. The ‘why did you just eat that?!’. The ‘you just ruined everything’. It screams at you ‘1000 calories. Did you really just eat 1000 calories?!’. And no matter what you do, the voice doesn’t go anywhere. It gets a bit quieter, but it never leaves.  For me, this is the hardest thing…

This weeks eats. 

Hi to anyone reading. So this past week my food diary has been full of delicious bits and pieces I’ve tried. I’ve been struggling a bit with an increase in calories both psychologically and physically. My tummy really gets punished after a biggish meal. But I’ve tried to keep it up, even thought it is…